How Can I be Invisible?

I eat when I am sad, stressed, upset, mad or depressed.  Yeah, not a good thing I know.  In return I starve myself on a daily basis because I am overweight and feel I don't deserve to eat.  Honestly.  Most days I will eat once a day.  Of course I down coffee in the morning to get me going since I won't eat.  By evening I feel I could take down a wild cow just so I could make myself a burger for dinner.  Yeah, hunger does that to you.  With all of this I logically know this is all wrong.  I know I should eat three small meals a day with a couple of healthy snacks and drink 8 glasses of water too.  I know I should not eat when I am emotional and I know I should not go without meals.  I know, I know and I know. But that does not mean that my emotions do not get the better of me nor does it mean I do not listen to that voice in my head that berates me for being overweight.

This is being told to you because for the first time I read myself in the book Invisible.  I read how I feel.  I read my desired for rich filling foods.  I read about wanting to make the scales change to a much lower number.  I read how I feel unlovable and for certain very undesirable.

I also read the truths.  I am loved, needed, valued and important.  I read my Dear Hubby's feelings of wanting to help me but knowing it is not in his control.  I read how others see me and how they hurt for me.  I read I am made wonderfully, in God's image.  I read and I read and I read.....knowing this speaks in the language of love.

Through all of this, I ate wrong.  I had candy and pudding and sodas.  I skipped meals.  I told myself I am fat, ugly and lazy.  (I know I am not lazy....gosh I go all the time.)  How I need to change inside so the outside can reflect it.  Maybe I will someday not be Invisible.

Invisible by Ginny L. Yttrup

A Novel

Ellyn DeMoss -- chef, café owner, and lover of butter -- is hiding behind her extra weight. But what is she hiding? While Ellyn sees the good in others, she has only condemnation for herself. So when a handsome widower claims he’s attracted to Ellyn, she’s certain there’s something wrong with him. Sabina Jackson -- tall, slender, and exotic -- left her husband, young adult daughters, and a thriving counseling practice to spend a year in Northern California where she says she’s come to heal. But it seems to Ellyn that Sabina’s doing more hiding than healing. What’s she hiding from? Is it God? Twila Boaz has come out of hiding and is working to gain back the pounds she lost when her only goal was to disappear. When her eating disorder is triggered again, though she longs to hide, she instead follows God and fights for her own survival. But will she succeed? As these women’s lives intertwine, their eyes open to the glory within each of them as they begin to recognize themselves as being created in God’s image. 

Ginny L. Yttrup is an accomplished freelance writer, speaker, and life coach who also ministers to women wounded by sexual trauma. She has two grown sons and lives in California.