Walking in the Deep End

Have you ever felt like you took a big ol step in your life when you thought you was just going about your normal day?  You know....doing the usual things weather it be cleaning, sitting at your desk pouring over reports, pinning your hair up to get ready to go out.  But in reality your mind is doing a 90 to nothing blitz and your not really even in reality at that moment.  And in floating along you made a decision without even realizing that you came to a changing point.  I know this is not making a lick of sense...but I also know we have all been there too.
We all have a part of our lives that we are "Walking in the Deep End".  A place where we are just barely getting our nose above water.  We feel like we are floundering about, not sure if we are going under or going to find a toe hold to push us up and out.  My deep end was all tied into the abuse I suffered growing up.  It started there and many a time I thought it was the end there too.  But I kept pushing up and getting a breath of air and treading water a lil longer.  Years can go by that way.  Finally I had found that the abuse had just help me make even worse decisions.  Ones I regret now but they were made in that moment of not really knowing I was making them.  Many wrong turns, many twist and dips and dives....and often times I was unsure as to the direction to even look to get out.
There was points when I turned to church to see if maybe I could get help.  For a long time that did not work either.  Sadly there were churches that saw only the problems and not a solution.  Some of the churches even turned me away as I was not their kind.  One church intentionally made it all the worse by publicizing my problems for all the congregation to hear. I became harden to everyone for a long long long time.  My life went on....up and down, like most do.  Then one day it all broke apart.  Shattered.  Pieces of it everywhere.  I could not pick it up.  I could not paste it together.  I could not cope one more moment.  That was the time I was blessed.  As there was a hand that did reach out.  It held mine.  And pulled me the next step.  I was saved over time.  My life changed.  I healed.  I grew and I was finally able to get out of the deep end.
I know this all sounds sorta odd....but this is the things I thought of when I was reading Susan Parker's book "Walking in the Deep End".  I was so drawn to her story that I felt as if she was my spiritual twin.   Susan's life had those ups and downs.  And like many of us....those times were not always properly supported.  But through time, growing and those hands that reach out at just the right moment, Susan's life also took the turn it needed.  And healing happened.  I loved reading her story.  Not because it was so hard as it was...but because it changed.  Scars are left but those show our travel.  Often those scars are there to help others on their own path.  Scars heal too.  I thank Susan for writing of her own life and sending me a copy of her book to read.  For sharing because that let's us know we are not alone in these journeys.  It is needed for us to heal and to grow that we share our stories.  Don't you agree?  I feel I did not tell you enough of Susan's story so let me share what it is.  Eleven year-old Susan Parker must keep vigil during a family tragedy that plunges her tomboy innocence into the murk of family dysfunction—Evangelicals, her only lifeguards. Though suicide, bulimia, religious hypocrisy, and romantic heartbreak rip through her life like powerful currents, Parker's search for truth and identity evokes courage and hope, drawing you into her compelling and, at times, uncanny experience of authentic spirituality.
I shared some of my own because the hand that reached out to me those years ago was able to shake mine again yesterday.  I was so very happy to be able to hug the person who did not criticize me but offered me hope.  I was able to say thank you for saving my life, showing me the way and most of all giving me time to find those changes I needed.  A homecoming for me to attend both physically and more so spiritually yesterday.  One I am thrilled to have had the chance to go to.  It makes me once again know how wonderful life really is.  I am happy to be here.


  1. Wow! What kind of church would publicly humiliate you? That just sucks!!

  2. Hey Kiddo! This is one of my favorite posts that you have done at least since I've been blogging. So honest and loving. I could feel you all the way through it.

    God Bless!


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