This is the one place I promised myself to be honest at. And it is hard to be this honest with you or myself. If you do not suffer and I do mean suffer from depression and mental illness this wi
How do I get this out for what I feel and what is understandable. I am not sure.
It is more strain then most understand for me to turn from someone I love and have trusted. To willingly break ties and know I am doing the right thing. But...to at the same time hate myself for it. You see I have told myself (and I don't know why to be sure) that I can only be mad at me. All others I am to forgive and make any sacrifice to have all calm and happy with the world around them. Ok, this is not logical....I got that....I am just say the way I am.
Anytime I let go and especially if I feel good about me...then the dread, darkness and the deep despair of myself comes in. Only then can I get myself together. You see, why, oh I don't know and do not want to point fingers either. I feel such guilt when I feel good. And if I feel good and let go of others peoples issues at the same time is almost a certain time bomb. Tonight it has gone off. I am screaming inside myself that I hate me....and that in doing so I can be ok. How stupid is that? Dumb. But it is what holds me together. My own hate keeps me sane. Is there a logic to that.
Otherwise the guilt of feeling good...feeling ok...Lord forbid I actually like me lil on love myself come into play that the overwhelming guilt and all hits. I cry. Dry my dear hubby nuts. Wanna die. (no I know better but does not change feelings) Is there anyway I can explain the overwhelming desire to not be here anymore to anyone? It is so much and feels so large that I do not know how to escape. All I have ever learned is to start getting really mad at me.
Yell inside...I am fat...ugly....no go....not worth loving.....and repeat it over and over until I am so filled with self loathing that I believe I am not worth much. Only then can I breath, stop crying and feel like I can have some kind of control.
BTW--why this today? I let go of someone who did my friend morally wrong. And bit my tongue and did not say a word about it. I suffered also while someone else today maligned my family who is blind and threw us out of their establishment for having a service dog or so they say. I still feel it is more of the fact that it was two men who love each other and are raising a child of a different ethnic race. I had to go and have a second mammogram done today to see if there is something wrong with my breast and of course they do not tell you if they found anything. I taken in all of my self respect and let someone else feel good about their bad deeds even though I hated it because I knew me getting mad would not make it any better. What else? I did all of this on 4 hours sleep and after putting together an event for 100 people single handed.
So yes I see where it all stems from....I just do not know how to make it better.
Image by Yuliya Libkina via Flickr
How do I get this out for what I feel and what is understandable. I am not sure.
It is more strain then most understand for me to turn from someone I love and have trusted. To willingly break ties and know I am doing the right thing. But...to at the same time hate myself for it. You see I have told myself (and I don't know why to be sure) that I can only be mad at me. All others I am to forgive and make any sacrifice to have all calm and happy with the world around them. Ok, this is not logical....I got that....I am just say the way I am.
Anytime I let go and especially if I feel good about me...then the dread, darkness and the deep despair of myself comes in. Only then can I get myself together. You see, why, oh I don't know and do not want to point fingers either. I feel such guilt when I feel good. And if I feel good and let go of others peoples issues at the same time is almost a certain time bomb. Tonight it has gone off. I am screaming inside myself that I hate me....and that in doing so I can be ok. How stupid is that? Dumb. But it is what holds me together. My own hate keeps me sane. Is there a logic to that.
Otherwise the guilt of feeling good...feeling ok...Lord forbid I actually like me lil on love myself come into play that the overwhelming guilt and all hits. I cry. Dry my dear hubby nuts. Wanna die. (no I know better but does not change feelings) Is there anyway I can explain the overwhelming desire to not be here anymore to anyone? It is so much and feels so large that I do not know how to escape. All I have ever learned is to start getting really mad at me.
Yell inside...I am fat...ugly....no go....not worth loving.....and repeat it over and over until I am so filled with self loathing that I believe I am not worth much. Only then can I breath, stop crying and feel like I can have some kind of control.
BTW--why this today? I let go of someone who did my friend morally wrong. And bit my tongue and did not say a word about it. I suffered also while someone else today maligned my family who is blind and threw us out of their establishment for having a service dog or so they say. I still feel it is more of the fact that it was two men who love each other and are raising a child of a different ethnic race. I had to go and have a second mammogram done today to see if there is something wrong with my breast and of course they do not tell you if they found anything. I taken in all of my self respect and let someone else feel good about their bad deeds even though I hated it because I knew me getting mad would not make it any better. What else? I did all of this on 4 hours sleep and after putting together an event for 100 people single handed.
So yes I see where it all stems from....I just do not know how to make it better.
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I am one of many people praying for you right now. It sounds like you are going through some pain right now. Remember, you ARE a Wonderful Person and you will realize that as soon as this down time passes...and it will pass. You have every right to be Proud of who you are and what you have done for others. Please do not let others wrongs keep you from feeling good about yourself. Hang in there, things will get better. Thinking of you,
ReplyDeleteJim
You are not being honest young lady! Think really hard about what happened yesterday. You didn't walk away from her or cut your ties...she did that. She made sure you knew she didn't want you there. Think about that.
ReplyDeleteNow, I know that is sad too, but you have no reason to feel guilty. She is the one who booted you away, you didn't do it and should not feel guilty about anything!
Wow, I'm really sorry you're going through this...and your heart is big. I cannot believe in this day and time that would go on, if that was the reason...either way isn't it discrimination??? Whether it was a service animal or the other? It doesn't really matter, I don't guess--just know that you're in my prayers! Hang in there girl. Your heart is so big!!
ReplyDelete