Well I think I am ok?
Today is doing better. Actually have some energy. Even if it is nervous energy. Living with a breath that is half taken, waiting for a call that will allow me to take all the air in. I have spent most of my life feeling that I just don't deserve air. That alone is more than I can have, a full breath of air. Do you have any idea what it is like to have to convince yourself that air is allowed to all. No wonder that when I feel like not living I choose to suffocate. Refuse to have air. I remember as a small child how I hid in corners, under tables and behind furniture. Holding my breath so that no one will notice me there. And the longer I held it the safer I was. But of course at some time I had to breath out. So I would crouch there, listening to my family, and try and take the shallowest of breathes and hold on to them. Then slowly let the air out. I could not make noise. They would find me. And then all the pain would start again. At 3, 4 or 5 years old you do not understand that you should feel safe. You just know what life has given you. Pain is what you see, feel, eat and breath then pain is what life is. I still fight the urge to find somewhere to crouch down at where no one can see me. To breath the shallowest of breathes and hold on to it for all time. I have a loving husband and a wonderful daughter who want me to be happy. To know I can breath all the air I want. To not hide or disappear. I am lucky. I am healing and continue to see that life is not what you know it to be as a child. That as an adult you can choose what course in life you want. Today is doing better. Today I breath.