Behind The Smiles

Rethink Mental Illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have struggled with my mental illness my whole life.  Depression is just a way of life for me.  I have never not known it to be present.  But it does not mean that I do not understand what happiness feels like.  It does mean that odd as it may sound I can feel both emotions at the same time.  Now if you do not know, this is something that can really throw you for an emotional loop.

So how do y'all handle those ewww days?  Most of the time I just do my best to smile through them.  It is not possible for me to predict when they will hit.  Or how often or even why.  They just do.  I can be feeling beautiful, loving the weather, digging in the dirt and enjoying the sunshine.  At the same time inside I may be fighting back tears.  For no reason, nothing wrong at all.  I am truly happy.  But I am depressed too.  Chemical imbalances are the pits.

Of course I have the thought of just chucking it all in and going stark raving mad at times.  Honestly it would be easier than battling with my inner self to keep life on a more even keel.  And would take a lot less energy too.  Not that I am going to.  Nope I am in for the long haul, the life long fight.  I love my life, my Dear Hubby, my children and grand babes.  I so enjoy dancing, friends, the birds singing....  Life is amazing.

So for now, I will dig in the dirt, pull the weeds and smile in spite of the tears inside.